She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
