woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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