you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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