I just pynch a tree in the face
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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