Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
