I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
