It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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