Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
