She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
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It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
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By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably