were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.