Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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