I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
