i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
