i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
