Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
