I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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