Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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