i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
