Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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