Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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