my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
