i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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