Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
