so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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