Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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