So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
