the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
