I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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