my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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