Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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