i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
