I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
