what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
