i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
