Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
