If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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