He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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