so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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