I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
