God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
