I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
