I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
