between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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