There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i think my tv is drunk
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
