I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my being single is dangerous.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
