I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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