guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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