I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
