the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
