$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
