WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
