I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
