Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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