I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
