chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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