New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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