Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
