I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
