im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
