Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
