If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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