You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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