Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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