Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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