I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
